How Did I Become the Flat Girl?

English: "Biggest Little City in the Worl...

English: “Biggest Little City in the World” arch on Virginia Street in Downtown Reno, Nevada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In my quest for peace in my life, I have started to consider what could have happened in my life to make me so flat in my relationships with people.  Working backwards, the most significant event that has happened that changed my personality in a very profound way was the death of my father in July of 2004.

Actually, “death” may be too tame of a word, it was not as if he quietly passed from a lengthy illness, he did not die of old age, and it was not as if he even died in a violent car crash that somehow took our family by surprise.  No, he died at the hand of my mother in what would be one of only 9 murders in Reno in 2004.

When I look back on the day that I found out about the day of the homicide, I remember it as if it was yesterday.  I was at work when my younger sister called to tell me.  I called my then husband to ask him to come pick me up, but then I continued working, as I was in the middle of an important journal entry and could not stop.  The co-workers around my cubicle had heard me on the phone and came to offer me comfort, but I did not allow myself to be comforted, I just continued working.  When it was time to leave, I knocked on the conference room door where my boss was in a meeting with the plant manager and some corporate officers, poked my head in, he responded gruffly, as I had interrupted… I stated, “My mother just shot my father and I have to go.”  Then I left for the day.

Over the next several days, I was with my family as necessary, but worked when I needed to as well, never breaking down once.

The next several months were hectic, my brother, sisters and I, along with our families all spent our evenings and weekends remodeling our parents’ home so we could raise money for bail to get our mother out of jail and to put on a proper defense.  Additionally, I had just started back to school, so was attending every Saturday.

The following spring (April 2005) the murder trial began, and things were more hectic.  I worked full time, took nine credits at school, and attended the trial 40 hours a week (working at night to complete my work and projects).  Meanwhile, my marriage was falling to pieces and my children thought I was a horrible mother, but that is another story altogether.  Still, I handled everything with professionalism, never breaking down, and managing to earn A’s in school.

When the trial was over, the sentencing complete, and my marriage in chaos, I felt more mature, more weathered, more grown up.  However, I do not think I felt all that different that I ever had before in my interpersonal relationships.  So, in my quest to determine where my affect for being flat with people began – if I am ever able to delineate that exact moment – I do not think it was that event.

Although, that was a crucial period in my life, defining other traits I still hold onto.

6 thoughts on “How Did I Become the Flat Girl?

    • Your comments are very appreciated. I hope to continue this journey and to hope to work through my issues and to become a more dimensional person and to not be so flat in my future relationships.

  1. OK. You get your credibility for being a bad mother, at least for a period of time. Remember I am reading backward. 8 years ago you were working full time, going to school with 3 classes which is almost considered full time, and being in court 40 hours per week. Three full-time activities does not leave you with time to be a good anything. If I were not married and had no children, I would have let school go for a semester, even two, while the trial went on. I try very very hard to not overextend myself although I sometimes do get buried.

    So I see how a marriage could be ruined and kids could come to think you are not a good mother. I see that. Now hold on just a minute!

    YOU needed support from your husband. YOU needed support from your kids. Where the fuck was that? How selfish were THEY? Your father being shot and killed by your mother should have meant everyone comes to your side to support you, particularly your husband. Me me fucking me. No. It was on them to support you, to take shit from you when you fail to cope and fuck up, to understand that whether you showed it or allowed yourself to feel anything you were in a bad way and needed support. That was their duty to you, they should have wanted to support you because they loved you. Where was that?

    The possibility emerges that you had a lousy husband and rotten kids. Hard to say that looking through a tiny little pinhole but I am saying you could choose to look at it that way. I don’t have a feel for how old your girls were then. I’ve been hurt and had a visiting 5-year-old kid waiting on me hand and foot just because it came naturally to her. Some people seem to be givers and others seem to be takers. Instead of thinking of how you failed other people, just for a minute stop and try to consider whether anyone failed you.

    Sorry, I lost my temper. It happens sometimes when you care.

    • Sir,
      My girls were 13 and 14 years old. And, naturally, my husband was a grown man. However, I never cried one time in front of anybody; I knew if I started, I would not stop, and besides, what would have been the point when there would have been nobody there to support me.

      It was a difficult time for me. He was not there for me, and my children thought I was a narcissistic nut; but, I simply had to withdraw for self preservation, or I would have become the nut they thought I was.

      Ironic how life can turn on you that way.

      Not funny… just ironic.

      Those two girls spent several years not speaking to their “dad”, my second husband. He adopted them after their biological dad dumped them. I spent every single day on the phone with all three of them, talking about the virtues of the others… much to the detriment of my own current relationship. My significant other could not understand why I had to spend so much time on the phone talking with my ex, or talking about the wonderful virtues of my ex to my kids. He hated the guy, because he had been so awful to me.

      See, he had actually seen me through the trial, as a friend.

      Well, now, those two little girls (early 20’s now) who do not speak to me, now speak to their dad exclusively; and the man who I was such a good friend to, called me a few months ago and told me what a horrible mother I was, told me I was a nut and needed to “go live in the nut house” and “it is no wonder the girls don’t speak to you, they need a real mother”. So, clearly I was a better friend to him than he was to me.

      So, in a way, I am okay with the fact that nobody speaks to me right now… I kind of need a break.

      Always,
      Me

      • Yes. It sounds to me like you should focus on your significant other and give that priority and all the attention it deserves. I would selfishly ask for a brief walk most days.

        One thing I do a lot of is strive to have a perspective of my life that I am happy with, to let go of the people who make me unhappy, and seek out new people and new things that give my life positive purpose and meaning. I think you fit into that scheme nicely.

        I’m glad you arrived back safely and I suppose now you are going to prepare to relocate. I did not have time today to dig backward to your next-previous entry. The time got away from me today but it was a happy day.

        I look forward to tomorrow.

      • Thank you, Sir. You fit my most puzzling scheme as well… I missed our brief interludes. Strange how these little moments mean so much.

        As for preparing to relocate, I was “here” but for a brief and temporary time; I did not belong, and I did not live here. So, two suitcases, already packed in the corner, from which I retrieve clothing daily…

        It will not be a challenge, and no preparation needed.

        Always,
        Me

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