Saying Goodbye to my Mom

My mother came up on Saturday for her usual weekly trip to take me to get supplies and to check on me while I house-sit my sister’s remote mountain home.  Usually these visits are filled with lectures about how I need to get my life together, how I should move on from my current significant other and stories about my children that leave me feeling like I have been a horrible mother.

This week started out a little different, as I was quite lonely; she had not been up in two weeks because she had been tending to another sister earlier in the week.  So, I was happy to see her on Saturday, and she would be leaving on Sunday instead of staying the usual two or three days.  As soon as she arrived, we immediately headed to town for groceries, and the lecturing started.  What was I doing with my life, what was going on with my significant other, when was I going to move on… I was feeling sick and dizzy.

Then, the stories about how she had seen my children and grandchildren started, and my heart sunk.  I love them with all my heart, but the fact that they will not see me is out of my control

Tear Drops
Tear Drops (Photo credit: Christina Matheson)

now.  I have asked her not to talk to me about them, but my requests fall on deaf ears, so the ear spanking continued all the way to the grocery store, about 30 minutes.  By the time we got there, I was emotionally drained.

We spent the evening eating frozen pizza, playing cards, I did my best trying to change the subject from my pitiful life but somehow we always returned.  So it goes, so it goes.

Sunday morning, we went to do laundry, walk around the old cemetery as we waited for it to cycle through, then came back to the house.  We wrapped up a few things that we needed to complete around here before she had to leave, then it suddenly struck me, my sister would be here on this coming Saturday to clean out the rest of the house since it has been sold.  I would be leaving with here.  Then I would be going back to Texas with him in two months.

I have no idea when I would get to see my mother again.  As dysfunctional and strained as our mother daughter relationship is, it is still a connection of sorts, she is still my mother, and I still love her.  I started to cry as we hugged goodbye.  She actually had a moment of lucidity as she told me not to worry about my children, that they would come around some day and realize that I am not such a bad mother.

I cried all afternoon as I thought about missing my mother.

2 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye to my Mom

  • That is so well written. I was there with you! Funny how we see our mother’s advice and how they see it. I am much older than you and my mom will still say Diane! Did I teach you to talk like that?! When I say something like CRAP…if she only knew… I know bigger and better words and sometimes even say them…. a lot! lol. I guess my point is…that now that I am a mother of adult children, I TRY not to do the same thing…But I start picking up and dusting… I will go in the bathroom and when I come out it will be sparkling…. I try not to do it… I convince myself that I do it because I am trying to “help” and it is all because I love them… but the thing is… your mom really is not trying to criticize as much as love you… in her own way which is crazy making I know… It’s like watching Old Yeller… no matter how many times you watch it… the ending is never going to change… no matter how many times a mom gives advice… I think we think THIS time they will GET it. But the fact is… we all have to learn for ourselves. I love my mom and for the most part she has been a great one… but there are a lot of things I don’t do to my kids that she did to me,,, like making me feel like crap by crying when she saw my first place etc… or telling me how to talk or believe or think… or dream… I hope that I just support my kids.
    My daughter wants to be an actress and begged and borrowed to get her to that place. I believe in her and would never say anything to discourage her. I have always wanted to be a writer… I think my mom thought that was a nice little dream…The reason that I have moved heaven and earth to show my daughter I believe in her… As moms we make mistakes but we learn from out mothers… what not to do the next time around… these memories you have… will help you in turn with your own kids.. to break the cycle of a critical spirit! The one thing that helped me with my mom… is asking her a lot of questions about where she came from…how she felt when she was my age.. I loved my grandma… but she was SO controling!!! Every generation gets a little better!!!! Your experience will help you take TWO steps forward with your kids!
    You are an amazing writer…and writing is a great place to come to the place of understanding and realize you are the BEST MOM for your kids!

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. So far, I have not done better with my girls, since neither of them speak to me right now. They have no idea how much I love them, but I try. Life is such a struggle for me, on a daily basis, sometimes it is all I can do to get through the day. But, I do get through each day so far… and for me, that is saying something.

      Thank you again for your words of encouragement… it is nice not to be so alone sometimes.

      Me

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