Who Am I?

imagesI have never fully allowed anybody to know me; I always hold part of myself back.  No matter my relationship with somebody, wife, lover, friend, mother, daughter, co-worker, or patient, there is a piece of me that they will never know.  It is never the same piece, though.

I pick who is permitted to know what about me; maybe if they all got together one day, they would have a complete picture of who I am.  Most likely, though; if people started to compare notes, they would think they were talking about different people.

Even when I have been a psychiatric patient, at times seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist; I would tell one certain elements about my life and the other different things.  Never lies, I always told the truth, but there were always omissions.  Sometimes, in therapy, I was afraid if I told them absolutely everything, I might be locked up because I would be found “crazy”.

However, in my personal relationships, especially in my marriages, I held back not wanting to give too much of myself.  I would be one way at home in my relationship, then I would go to work and have a friend and a different personality.  It was exhausting.

There was a terrible movie in the 80’s called Stepfather I believe; it was about a man who had a family that he was disappointed with.  He secretly quit his job and took one about an hour or so away; he married another woman with children.  Then, I believe he killed his first family and simply picked up his life with the second family.

One day, he started to tire of them as well, as they were not perfect; which is what he was looking for, perfection.  He was on the phone planning his escape to yet another life when one of the stepchildren overheard him on the phone talking; he used a name that was not his at the time, he had slipped up.  The teenager overheard him; striking the kid across the head, bloodying him, he says, “Oh, wait, who am I today?”

I never screw up, though; I juggle my personalities like balls in the air.  They stay up as long as I need them to, and if one starts to descend, I catch it, and throw it right back up again.  I hold my secrets locked tightly away, never sharing them with anybody; the loneliness of my reality suffocating me at times.

There are days I want to open my heart and say, “Look at me, don’t turn away.  Here I am, these are all of my secrets… if I share them, would you still know me?”  However, the thought of even saying it, after all of these years makes me tremble.

Each day, a new personality… or a recycled old one, often, the flat one.

9 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. I don’t always do it on purpose but different people most certainly bring out different parts of me and I have had the rare opportunity of listening before entering a room where people were talking about me and they were very much in disagreement about just who I am and what I’m all about. They were all right and they were all wrong at the same time.

    I’m not sure any one person totally knows another. How could they unless they are inside you feeling your feelings and thinking your thoughts as you experience each moment of your life for your entire life? You have been addressing such ultimate things lately and they are tremendously interesting. Where is the perfect everlasting love? Can anyone ever know me completely inside and out?

    I understand the yearning for perfection, I understand the need to be understood completely, I understand the need to be loved completely and unconditionally. These are the needs of an artist and if these needs are not managed they will consume and destroy you. It is completely unreasonable to want these things in the extreme and yet I strive for them myself. Everything I do I hate. Everything I say no one gets. It seems my nature to strive and attempt the impossible.

    I would shield you from these things even as I gladly suffer them. Is that wrong? That is my nature too, to protect others from the dangerous harmful drug even as I take another dose.

    • Sir,
      Your prose is so poetically beautiful…

      No, it is not wrong to want to shield another; however, I suppose it is not art if it is not suffering.

      I remember, early in my most current relationship when I thought things were going too easily for us; I turned to him and said, “We have no scars, we have not been through anything together, how can you even say you love me.” He was baffled, he could not understand what I meant; to him, he loved me unconditionally and did not think we had to battle any demons together…

      Well, this relationship has now been put to the test in ways none of the previous ones have had to endure; and, still, it survived. I am not certain what point I proved. If I wanted scars to prove something, if I need some type of artistic stroke of the brush to prove love… well, I suppose in the next few weeks I shall see if I return home.

      I feel challenged by the world, but, as you are showing my, I challenge myself even more.

      Always, Me

  2. I wish you good fortune with your gentleman. It is interesting that you wish to forge each other’s iron and tin into steel. I hope your desire for a relationship fired in dramatic events blends more than burns.

  3. Your words and voice speak for many others, but reading your post i believe you have to except who you are 100% as a person first, with all its qualities and experiences, keeping in mind that your experiences have made you a strong and definitely a learnt person. It’s upto you what you do with your experience – either turn it into positive thing and see the world anew or worry about what people will think of your hidden side – people may not see it as you do. I totally wholeheartedly understand. Accept yourself wholeheartedly. Hope i helped. 🙂

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