Emotional Cutting

Emotional CuttingI am an emotional cutter.

I spent yesterday haunting the places we used to love; feeling his spirit, sensing his smile, knowing his warmth, and missing him more than ever.

At first, when I went into The Silver Peak, I felt a vague sense of familiarity; we had been there so many times before.  We would sit on the patio and laugh across the table over plates of hummus, pita bread, olive tapenade (although, truth be told, he hated the olive tapenade), and endless glasses of white wine.  We hosted co-workers through crises, drunken spiels about their love lives, and the odd quirkiness of their personalities.  The Silver Peak was our place.

However, last night was entirely different; it was cold and crisp.  The tables that usually graced the sidewalk were packed away and completely out of sight; I sat at the bar alone and ordered the chicken tacos, not the Greek Sampler.  I ordered a Malibu Press, my current signature drink, instead of “our” bottle of white.  The crowd was entirely different, too; it was younger, hipper, or was I just feeling so damn old that I they appeared young.

I passed the time talking to the bartender and two young men at the end of the bar; they confirmed the crowd was altered.  Years before, the establishment was filled with lawyers and professionals from the downtown office buildings; now, artists, beatniks, and tourists filled the restaurant and crowded the bar.  Nevertheless, it did not matter, it was not my place anymore, I was infringing on a memory, and I was a ghost.

My quest to torture myself did not end with one slice across my flesh; I walked up the street and meandered through the smiling vacationers, sinking into my memories.  I paused in front of Rum Bullions, picturing him sitting with my daughter on her 21st birthday, smiling, laughing, and socializing.  The overhead music was Nickelback, some sentimental song that always makes me think of him; I stood frozen in front of the giant mining structure in the middle of The Silver Legacy.  Would the pain ever end?

Apparently, not anytime soon; I walked into the last place I should have been, Bistro Roxy.  I sat at the bar and ordered one of the 102 martinis they have on the menu; it was all I could do to choke back my tears as I sat swirling the sweet liqueurs mixing in my glass as I listened to the piano thinking of him.  The crowd was fun and lively, but it was too old, it was not our crowd.  The drink was the same, too sweet, too sticky, too expensive; he would have known which one to order for me… he always got it just right.  But the rest of it was all wrong; the people were too old, the bartender was too dull, my mood was too dark, and he was not there.

I should not have gone there, to our places; but returning to a town where we fell in love, there is not one place without his fingerprints, his smile, his smell, him.

The cutting continues today as I listen to Pandora… Michael Buble, Nickelback, James Blunt, even Trans-Siberian Orchestra (in February?) all so diverse, but each one of them is us, is him.

99 Questions – My Answers

My answers…

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed; unfortunately, I grew up afraid of so many things, monsters being foremost in my mind and they live in closets and under the bed.  Seriously.

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes, but I do not use them.  I have boxes of them that I kind of save and then eventually throw out.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?  Well, they are tucked in at the bottom and about ¼ of the way up; and, of course the bottom sheet is fitted.

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Not a street sign…

5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Absolutely! I have an unhealthy obsession for office supplies.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Often, but I can also organize and use them when necessary.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Probably a bear; it seems more swift.

8: Do you have freckles?  I don’t think so, not really.

9: Do you always smile for pictures?  No, I rarely smile.

10: What is your biggest pet peeve? Oh goodness, so many… cell phones at the dinner table or in line at a store.

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?  Almost always.

12: Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes

13: What about pooped in the woods? Yes

14: Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? No, I am not much of a dancer.

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? No, not anymore.

16: How many people have you slept with this week? Zero

17: What size is your bed? Queen Size

18: What is your Song of the week? I don’t really have one.

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? If they want to.

20: Do you still watch cartoons? Occasionally

21: What’s your least favorite movie? Anything violent, any horror films.

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?  Probably at my sister’s in Nevada; she is the only one I know who has lived in the same place for any length of time.

23: What do you drink with dinner? Water usually

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? I have not had a chicken nugget in probably over 10 years

25: What is your favorite food? Hard to say… peanut butter maybe.

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?  Old romantic comedies…

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?  My boyfriend

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes I was a Girl Scout

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Yes

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?  February, 2012

31: Can you change the oil on a car? Yes, but it has been years

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Far too many

33: Ever ran out of gas? More times than I care to recall; my first car was a 1957 Chevy with a broken gas gauge.


34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Peanut butter and jelly

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? Biscuits and gravy, sausage, and mimosas… then a big hike 🙂

36: What is your usual bedtime? It varies, somewhere between 9 PM and 1 AM

37: Are you lazy? I try not to be

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?  I do not recall, I did not particularly like Halloween

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Monkey – The spunky Monkey is the original party animal! Charming and energetic, Monkeys crave fun, activity and stimulation.

40: How many languages can you speak? English, so 1

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No

42: Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? Lincoln Logs

43: Are you stubborn? Yes, unfortunately

44: Who is better…Leno or Letterman?  I don’t watch either of them, but Letterman

45: Ever watch soap operas? No, but I did when I was a kid

46: Are you afraid of heights? Not really

47: Do you sing in the car? Yes, the one place I do

48: Do you sing in the shower? No

49: Do you dance in the car? Uhh… no

50: Ever used a gun? Yep

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?  Years and years… maybe my last wedding.  1997? Or the DMV.

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? No, I love them

53: Is Christmas stressful? No, not at all

54: Ever eat a pierogi? No

55: Favorite type of fruit pie? I actually like elderberry, but have not had one in years, since my grandmother was alive, 1986.

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A teacher

57: Do you believe in ghosts? I do not know, I am open to them, but I have not seen one

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes

59: Take a vitamin daily? Yes

60: Wear slippers? Yes

61: Wear a bath robe? Sometimes

62: What do you wear to bed? Nothing

63: First concert? REO Speedwagon

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? If I had to choose from those (although I would rather stay out of them all) Target

65: Nike or Adidas? Adidas

66: Cheetos or Fritos? Fritos

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No.

69: Ever take dance lessons? Yes, as a young child

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No…

71: Can you curl your tongue? No

72: Ever won a spelling bee? Yes, in the fourth grade

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes

74: Own any record albums? Not anymore

75: Own a record player? Not anymore

76: Regularly burn incense? No

77: Ever been in love? Absolutely

78: Who would you like to see in concert? Matchbox 20

79: What was the last concert you saw? Trans-Siberian Orchestra

80: Hot tea or cold tea? Both

81: Tea or coffee? Both

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? Both…. Equally

83: Can you swim well? Not at all

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? No

85: Are you patient? Not at all

86: DJ or band, at a wedding? Band

87: Ever won a contest? Yes, several; most recently I won a place in a gourmet pizza contest.

88: Ever have plastic surgery? No

89: Which are better black or green olives? Green

90: Can you knit or crochet? No

91: Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom

92: Do you want to get married? Definitely

93: If married, how long have you been married? Not married now… been married twice before.  Once for 7 years and once for 8 years.

94: Who was your HS crush? I do not really recall

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No

96: Do you have kids? Yes, two daughters

97: Do you want kids? Uhm… is this a trick question?

98: What’s your favorite color? Purple

99: Do you miss anyone right now? Yes, so many people…