I Feel Selfish

indexFor a lifetime, I have wanted so much for others.

When I see homeless people, I long to give them food and shelter and to help them learn to live with any mental health issues that may have caused them to exist in a life on the streets.  I want to pass out my phone number so I can help with any program to free those people who have suffered by being wrongly convicted as I learn about injustices.  Every scrawny dog I see wandering the streets garners my empathy and a place in my heart.

I used to purchase lottery tickets each week when I lived in Nevada; I would go with a co-worker once a week to the California border.  We would drive the 10 miles to the California border each talking about what we would do with the money if we won.  While I cannot recall what she would do with the money, I would talk about how I would hire an attorney and find a way secretly to pay off the bills for my parents, brother and sisters since they were not speaking to me.  However, I knew they were all struggling and could use the infusion of cash.

After I ended my second marriage and started a new relationship, I made a myriad of mistakes.

My ex suffered from Chrohn’s Disease and, at times, was gravely ill; it was part of the reason our relationship continued as long as it did.  I told my new love that if my ex ever underwent one of the prescribed surgeries removing parts of his intestines and needed me, I would go back, regardless of the fact that he had treated me very shabbily.  I knew he would have a challenging time in future relationships due to his abrasive personality and social awkwardness.

Additionally, my new love’s ex-wife had an instance a few months into our relationship when she believed she had breast cancer.  She received some test results indicating she had to undergo further testing to determine the issue.  She was understandably upset.

Despite her previous attempts to run me over with her car and get me fired from my job when she thought I was having an affair with her husband, I encouraged my boyfriend to go to her side.  I thought she would need him; after 18 years of marriage, I thought it was his place to be with her.  My rationale was love and commitment simply did not stop with divorce and he must surely still have some feelings for her and not wish her to suffer alone.

He thought I was nuts, not compassionate… with both of our exes.  Fortunately, neither situation presented, and we were spared.

When my mom killed my dad, she was ill prepared to face the world as a convicted felon.  She had a 10th grade education, no coping skills, and had lost her job and her home.

I wanted desperately to do something right in her eyes and to provide for her in the only way I knew how.  Using the contacts I had through two internships and school, I found a way for her to get her GED and counseling, but she turned down all of my help.  My husband was able to get her a job at the plant where he worked, but only making less than half the pay she was used to, and the work was monotonous.  We offered to sell our home and purchase one with a mother-in-law quarters, opting instead to stay with my other siblings in spare rooms.  However, I really wanted to do more.

My girls…

I could write an entire book of things I want for my girls; but, I am afraid the tears would start to flow and I could not stop.  Therefore, I will say only that I love them and wish for them all of the love and happiness in the world.  Material things are not enough for them; they deserve the riches of the heart.

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My life has been filled with wants for others, but I find myself at a turning point of sorts… I want.

I want for me; just me.  I want happiness, happily ever after, love, life, fulfillment, joy, laughter.

It does not mean I do not still want for others, I do.  Though, now, I want for myself as well.

But… I feel selfish for wanting.